Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Love. Is it worth fighting for?

I have given a lot of things to a lot of different people. My time, my tallents, my stories, my smile, even my tears.

But there is one thing that I have always guarded. Something I've kept hidden. And something I've been afraid for someone to really get to know. I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want to bleed out. I don't want to be left a shell of myself. Again. This time it will be a different reason. But I'm still afraid. I don't want to give it up.

I don't want to give up control.

Control of my heart.

But I've heard that love is worth it. So, I'm going to try.

I'm going to try.

I'm going to try.



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The Protective Doors of the Mind

I've been reading The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss and I came across something 135 pages in that caught my attention. And so, the writing began.

Rothfuss discusses the doors of the mind which protect us from the pain we experience in life. He states the following:

"Perhaps the greatest faculty our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.

"First is the door of sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. sleep marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the mind's way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.

"Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply too painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying "time heals all wounds" is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.

"Third is the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.

"Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told."

I would venture to agree with Rothfuss. I've experienced a couple of these things myself. And while I can only speak from experience, those experiences have backed up his opinion to me on a personal level.

When you are treated as less-than-worthy or less-than-human on a day-to-day basis, you need an escape, even if it's just brief. That's where sleep comes in. But when you wake up and realize that you still have that problem to deal with, you need something else. This is where you can either choose to forget or to go mad. I chose to forget. So much so that ~12 years later those memories are covered by a thick fog. It has taken a lot of time and strength to thin that fog, even if just minimally, so that I may better understand the effects that it has had on me and how I can counteract those things. It's taken over a decade for me to be able to think about and dwell on those times. Though I can only do so briefly, it's a huge step.

I can start to become whole again.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

You Don't Love Me

How can I hope to be everything that you want me to be if you don't love me? If I don't know that/if you love me? How can I fulfill every dream you have for me, every wish, every desire, if I can never please you? How can I hope to make you happy if I am never enough?

It's simple.

I can't.

The fact is, that I'm not enough. I'm not loved. And I can't be everything that you want because that just isn't me.

I don't talk to you because I don't feel that I can. I know that I'm goig to disappoint you and that scares me more than anything else.  But is not disappointing you worth disappointing myself? Is being who you envision worth betraying who I actually am, who I always will be?

Will being just little old me ever be enough or will I live my life self conscious around you for the rest of eternity, never fully able to show who I am because I don't trust you? Because I'm afraid of what you will think of me or how I will be judged? Because I care?

I hope that at some future time I will be able to give the answer I so desire. But right now all I can answer is a painful, slow, and resounding "no."

I'm not enough.

I'm not loved.

And I will never be able to please you.

That is how I grew up feeling. And that's how I feel as an independent adult.

I am nothing.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When dreams...

When the people around you
Your family-
Your friends-
Your classmates-
Your roommates-
achieve their goals and go on with their lives
while you wait on the sidelines for your moment to come...
what do you do then?

When you remember the hope of the world wrapped tight in the arms of
A child-
A star-
A life-
A future-
but that hope has long since left your world
and run to the arms of someone who can hold it closer than you...
what do you do then?

When everything you thought that
Will be-
Would be-
Could be-
Should be-
is no more than a distant memory
that fly on wings of loss and regret to the sky above only to look back...
what do you do then?

When you reach out to
Hold on-
but your fingers only close on thin air
thinner than the air that fills your lungs while your flame flickers then wavers for a brief moment...
what do you do then?

Do you hide in your bed under the covers that used to keep you so safe?
Do you run and never come back only to be filled with regret?
Do you give up and let your dreams slide down your cheeks to fill the oceans with your sadness?

I've done that.
I've regretted.
I've been there.

I've also opened up.
I've also been content.
I've also been there.

Dreams die. But they also live.

What will you do with them?

April 22, 2015
1:20 am
Mikkia enters the MTC in 11 hr 25 min

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I don't want to be alone...

Have you ever had a friend who you think has made a grave mistake? But you respect him and can't do anything about it? And don't want to because it will change who he is?

Are you afraid that this friend, who is not the first to make this decision/mistake/what have you, is going to take the rest of your friends slowly with you, leaving you to stand alone in your beliefs?

This is starting to sounds like some inspirational ad or something. But it's not. It's how I feel. How I have been feeling for several hours now and what is keeping me awake and unable to sleep. Or concentrate. Or do homework. Or really even pay attention when watching Netflix.

I have a fear. A couple, really. But this one is something I think I share with a lot of people: the fear of being alone. Not just physically alone, but completely, utterly, and totally alone. No friends, no family or at least not much contact with them, alone in your decisions/likes/love/beliefs/everything else in this category. Alone in, well, everything.

To stand on a hill, surrounded by people, but feeling the loneliest person. On a street just as crowded as Time Square when they turn on the Christmas lights and feel completely isolated. To stick out like a sore thumb to which everyone, even those who could fix it, has turned a blind eye.

There are other things I fear, but none is as crushing as this one of complete and utter alone-ness.

I might be an omnivert with introvert tendencies, but that does not mean I want to be alone. Some time to myself, yes. Alone, unloved and unwanted, no. Then again, who does? And if you do, why?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

I'm sorry...

I promise I didn't mean to. If I said that, would that make it better? No. Of course it wouldn't. The ones closest to you are the ones you end up hurting the most. I can't change the past. But I can say I'm sorry. I'm sorry.... Can you ever forgive me?

Monday, April 8, 2013


There is a certain calming ability music has for me. I absolutely love it! There is nothing better than being able to calm the heart and soul with the sound of song.