Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I don't want to be alone...

Have you ever had a friend who you think has made a grave mistake? But you respect him and can't do anything about it? And don't want to because it will change who he is?

Are you afraid that this friend, who is not the first to make this decision/mistake/what have you, is going to take the rest of your friends slowly with you, leaving you to stand alone in your beliefs?

This is starting to sounds like some inspirational ad or something. But it's not. It's how I feel. How I have been feeling for several hours now and what is keeping me awake and unable to sleep. Or concentrate. Or do homework. Or really even pay attention when watching Netflix.

I have a fear. A couple, really. But this one is something I think I share with a lot of people: the fear of being alone. Not just physically alone, but completely, utterly, and totally alone. No friends, no family or at least not much contact with them, alone in your decisions/likes/love/beliefs/everything else in this category. Alone in, well, everything.

To stand on a hill, surrounded by people, but feeling the loneliest person. On a street just as crowded as Time Square when they turn on the Christmas lights and feel completely isolated. To stick out like a sore thumb to which everyone, even those who could fix it, has turned a blind eye.

There are other things I fear, but none is as crushing as this one of complete and utter alone-ness.

I might be an omnivert with introvert tendencies, but that does not mean I want to be alone. Some time to myself, yes. Alone, unloved and unwanted, no. Then again, who does? And if you do, why?