You Don't Love Me

How can I hope to be everything that you want me to be if you don't love me? If I don't know that/if you love me? How can I fulfill every dream you have for me, every wish, every desire, if I can never please you? How can I hope to make you happy if I am never enough?

It's simple.

I can't.

The fact is, that I'm not enough. I'm not loved. And I can't be everything that you want because that just isn't me.

I don't talk to you because I don't feel that I can. I know that I'm goig to disappoint you and that scares me more than anything else.  But is not disappointing you worth disappointing myself? Is being who you envision worth betraying who I actually am, who I always will be?

Will being just little old me ever be enough or will I live my life self conscious around you for the rest of eternity, never fully able to show who I am because I don't trust you? Because I'm afraid of what you will think of me or how I will be judged? Because I care?

I hope that at some future time I will be able to give the answer I so desire. But right now all I can answer is a painful, slow, and resounding "no."

I'm not enough.

I'm not loved.

And I will never be able to please you.

That is how I grew up feeling. And that's how I feel as an independent adult.

I am nothing.